smokingrrl's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Do I get a break? I'm pretty much over the flu. Last night I was looking forward to dropping KV off at Rocky Horror Picture Show at the U, then doing homework, and getting together with everyone afterwards. That didn't happen -- migraine. At least now I know that the Imitrex sample that my doctor gave me last year will work on my migraines. I'll have to call him this week to see about just getting a prescription for it. I also woke up to a distressing email from Robyn addressed to all of Mixed Fruit. We're apparently imploding. I'm just very hurt and bothred by it all. The email made it seem like last night was basically a "Let's bitch about Lisa and KV and how awful they are." I've called everyone in an effort to get us all together so that they can at least tell me how awful I am to my face. It really hurts. Even my best friend can't come to me anymore. The main subject of contention was how KV and I are in an unhealthy relationship. It's weird, I thought I'd know if I was in an unhealthy relationship since I've been in so many before. Truth be told, I am very happy with KV, and I've never experienced a relationship this good before! I admit, the first two weeks we dated, before she came out, was not healthy. Now, if only everyone could see us when we are alone...they would know why I am happy. I wasn't even aware that there was this "power struggle" (Jacob and Kayleen's words, plus who the hell knows who else's). Needless to say, KV and I have talked about all of this. I hurt a lot. What hurts is that people I considered closest to me would not come to me to express their concern, and instead, let it sit and fester without me knowing it. Why can't anyone be fucking happy for me? I may have said things last semester that may have caused some people pause, as far as healthiness, but I was JOKING. From where I sit right now, with my heart in tangles, Ryan and Karl have been the only friends I have that have been supportive of me and my relationship. Why can't anyone be fucking happy that I have found happiness? WHy is it such a god damn bad thing that I am in love with someone, who, for the first time truly loves me back? KV is not a practicing alcoholic, not a drug addict, and doesn't beat me. We both have mental problems, but we do work through them WITHOUT sacrificing ourselves and our own mental health. We have our ups and downs, but that's normal. I've finally found someone who encourages me, supports me, and loves me. Someone who also understands my gender issues, and is totally ok with them. Someone who doesn't feel threatened by my displays of masculinity. What is so fucking wrong with enjoying it then? I think it's time to shed. I find myself holding back when I sign things, and when I introduce myself to people...I hold myself back from asking them to refer to me by the name I want -- Shae. KV is the only one so far who asks me questions to try and understand my gender issues, as do I her. I will admit, it does hurt that Robyn admitted she doesn't understand my gender issues, and yet she doesn't ask questions to clarify. But I will get over it. People who do not know me well even comment on my relationship (Kayleen). But I don't understand why they don't comment to me. It's my relationship...if people have concerns, they should come to me. What happened over winter break that made some many people so fucked (including me)? I really hope we can all get together tonight and discuss this shit. I feel as though I'm being targeted -- backed into a corner, and that I have to justify every little action and detail of my life -- including my romantic life. For now, I shall go back to watching "Oz" (Season 4), and then I will do homework, nap, etc. and wait for people to get back ahold of me. Regarding Robyn, I really hope this shit doesn't flush 7+ years of friendship/twinship down the drain. Shae 10:40 am - Saturday, Feb. 12, 2005 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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