smokingrrl's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Pensive feelings KV decided tonight that she is not going back on her anti-depressants. She claims that they sap her of all creativity. Now that she's been off them, she can finally write again. I love her, so I will support her decision, because I know it is not my decision to make. I do have some fears about this decision though. I'm worried about the mood swings, and how I felt I had to walk on egg shells before. I'm wondering if she has set in her mind that her creativity is only there without anti-depressants, or if it really is the case. For someone suffering severe depression and gender dysphoria, I can't comprehend why she'd choose writing over emotional stability. I suppose this is because my meds work for me. I also know that when I was off them, my writing centered around one theme -- sadness -- that got boring really quickly. I feel I can write better now because I experience more than one emotion. Not to mention I can go out into the world instead of being a complete shut in. But that's just me. I'm afraid I'll end up with the hypermasculine asshole that I dated previously instead of the person I am in love with now. Of course, only time will tell. I sort of fear that this will be the end of our relationship. Which is stupid because if our love really meant anything, this would not exactly dent it or destroy it. Only time will tell. All of this just confounds me. That's all. I know what I'm like off my meds, and I know what I'm like on them. I'd much rather be on them. It is funny to me that she harks that I take my meds, though. Hell, I know what my closest friends are like without meds, and what they are like on them. They all choose to continue them because they don't like being off them. It just confounds me, I guess. I often wonder if she even tried to be creative/to write while on her meds. I do know that she was writing during the school year while on them. I also know that one of her better short story ideas appeared to her while she was on them. Telling her these things, though, is like talking to a brick wall. If it gets too bad, I do know that I will have to leave her. I can't let someone else drag me down at all. Only time will tell. 11:40 pm - Sunday, Jan. 16, 2005 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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