smokingrrl's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Whaaaa?! The dam broke. Yesterday - an odd day of emotional charges. It started when I went to the mechanic to get my car fixed. I was fretting the amount of money I'd have to pay, and hoping that they'd accept payment via one of my credit cards. I was sort of nervous because I didn't see the sign of credit cards accepted. Of course, like a dumbass, I didn't just ask. Couple that nervousness with the fact that I had only been getting about 4 hours of sleep a night, and spending 20 hour days working on only school related stuff, and I was in a precarious state. The car stuff was figured out, it wasn't that much money, etc. All was fine. Yet, when I got back to school - I felt like I was on the borderline of a major anxiety attack. My face was flushed, I was warm - only in my face. It felt like it was deep in my chest, just waiting to erupt like an earthquake and taunting me with that fact. I was also tired and "punchy." I was also dealing with the fact that I hadn't really been able to journal (via paper) all my feelings about being transgendered. So in my 6pm class I came out and started talking about how the process of normalization (according to Foucault) has affected me as a person. I started to cry (my eyes misted up, and I tried my damnedest to make sure no tears streamed down my face). Luckily, we got to go on our 15 break after that whole incident, so I was able to recover my emotions. After class, KV, Dale, and I talked to Jacob and Kayleen about bringing the conference to our university in 2007. Actually we were going to put up a bid for the uni. to get it. I ended up getting so upset with Jacob and Kayleen that I broke out in hives on my arm and had to stop myself from crying again. Eventually, KV and I left the university, and as soon as I got into my car, I started to just sob. I cried all the way to the truck stop (30 minute drive). And then I cried some more. Yeah, it was great. Last night, I asked him if Karl or I were the ones that brought up the conference, would he still have the same doubts. Kayleen said she would. Jacob said nothing. Then Kayleen mentioned that only 2 of us (me and KV) that wanted the conference didn't even go this year. I told her I couldn't afford it and that was why. I explained to her that I felt personally offended, like she was attacking me for that. Jacob then swooped in all red faced and said he was very offended by my question earlier (if Karl and I were the ones bring up the idea). He then went off on how he was sick of everyone saying how he's so mean to Dale, and how he really has done a lot to help Dale, etc. Poor Dale just sat there shrinking in his chair. I told Jacob I had not meant it as a personal attack, and the only reason I brought up my question was because there are a lot of times that no one takes Dale seriously. I turned to Dale and told him that there are times I don't even take him seriously. I also told Jacob I wasn't there this weekend, so leave me out of that whole tirade. I mentioned that there are times he will pick on Dale to get him to stand up for himself, and it fails miserably. It didn't help, in my eyes, when Dale went to talk to Jacob about how he felt this weekend with the way Jacob was treating him, and Jacob had a smirk on his face. I did quite well, I think, considering I wanted to snap "Do you want a fucking medal?" I also really wanted to spout out that Kayleen was not a straight ally, but more of a fag hag. It was because I was angry, of course. I think I'm stressed out on all the homework of course. There's also the fact of those 20 hour days, and that I end up popping a No Doz at least once during the day. Fun. Fun. Fun. We'll see how the officer's meeting goes tonight. All I know is that of the GLBT Nation, I don't want to be a part of the Nation that centers around where I live. Hell, I don't even want to be part of the T Nation at this point based on the people in the community where I live and go to school. Shae 1:36 pm - Wednesday, Feb. 23, 2005 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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